Do not let great ambitions overshadow small success (in bed)

10:32am: it has been a while...
well first off we get loren every weekend and wednesday nights now... it is great seeing her, but there are still some issues that are being worked out that I can't go into on here... I will tell when it is all said and done...

scott has gotten a promotion at ups so we are very happy that has happened... he will be making more money and will hopefully be able to cut back at papa johns...

it is summer so I am home and I love it here... scott is amazing as usual... he is great about me taking the summer off and not taking classes or working...

I have dropped some "friends" well one knows about it and the others I just haven't heard from in a while and I am fine with that... steve and I are not longer pretending to be friends... after 6 months of not being on my myspace and noticed and called me... I simply told him that when he tried to make me hate him it kinda worked... I don't hate him, but I don't want to be his friend... I have out grown him and a few others... no biggie, I have new better friends now... steve actaully told me he feels sorry for me, for the situation that I walked head first into... to me walking head first in means that I knew what I was getting myself into... and even if I didn't they are worth it... loren is not a burden!

school is fine... going back in about a month... two more semesters left, but I can't come home as much, we have loren every weekend and I know that I will not get any studying done here so I think I will stay up there everyother weekend, or at least the weekend before a test (and they all seem to do their tests in the same week)... I really don't like my living situation up there... I will be sharing a bathroom with a person that I don't like... and the office has refused to move either one of us, so they are going to be hearing from me a lot next year... they can't kick me out for complaining about a room mate!

well that is enough... I will try to post on here in less than six months this time!

3:21am: so I just read some old entries from last year at this time... a lot has changed... I am more motivated at school because I actually like the school here, unlike forsyth tech which I hated...

scott has been so great! I find it funny that I first said that I wasn't going to go out with him again, then I said we would friend date and just have fun till I moved, now we are talking about engagement rings and weddings... I am so lucky that I followed my heart and not my head...

I almost cried with all of the loren stuff... I love her so much but I can't see her... and I hate that... but that will all be ending in january... I am worried about mediation even though scott isn't, but I am not really expecting anything to happen and I will probably cry when he tells me that he still has nothing... I can't wait for this to be over and we can be a little family on weekends... it will seem like we all have visitation with eachother! I can't wait for it!

I like writing in here, it is more like a diary than a web log... the former friends that I lost in my move are no longer on here and if they are they don't update or read.. and if they do they don't comment which is fine... I don't always like posting on myspace because there are so many people on there, and even though my profile is private there are still 83ish people that can read and judge and tell others... and I have nothing to hide but I still don't want people invading my privacy and being a spy for the x... we already think she tried that with a name of a person I went to high school with for a year, the picture didn't look like her and the profile was private and the person said that she was living in kernersville while her profile still said greensboro... and even after I said something about it she didn't change it... so I didn't know her all that well in high school and she isn't friends with anyone I am friends with on there, so she would have to look me up... I don't trust it... and now I am ver suspicious of who I allow to be on my friend's list...

there is really nothing going on, school is winding down exams aren't anything to worry about even though my mother keeps telling me to study... I will study tomorrow and probably a little after I finish online tonight... but nowhere near as much as she thinks I need to... which is funny because she doesn't ask me how my grades are... scott's family does... that is funny to me... they are great people! I can't wait to see them this weekend...

the weather up here is nuts... it can't seem to decide if it wants to be very cold or warm enough to wear a tee shirt... it is supposed to snow tomorrow, but just a dusting... it is looking like this is going to be a mild winter, and I hope it keeps up... I like the snow, but I also like being able to leave the apt...

well that is enough for now... please keep us in mind on monday at 2ish (to whom ever still reads these)that is when they have mediation...

I hope all are well!

9:32pm: I need to vent...
wow if tori ever reads this she is going to hate me...

but I really hate what she is doing to her soon to be x husband and I really hate the fact that she is telling me about it thinking I should be happy for her...

little background... they have never gotten along very well and they have both cheated... she got pregnant before they were married, then got married bacause of the child... he went away to iraq for the war and came back slept with her and then left her... that would make me mad too, but still...

now they are going through mediation for custody and visitiation... he asked for a very conservative parenting plan and she wouldn't even give him that... the basic parenting plan is everyweekend, everyother holiday and birthday, several weeks in the summer, and other stuff... he wanted one weekend a month, half a day on the child's birthday and everyother holiday...

she called me and had the audasity to say that the mediation didn't go well... she is the one that made it not go well... and she was happy about all of this.. she also told me that they did a DNA test and the child isn't his, and she is also happy about this... the courts don't order those often and the parent that requests it has to pay (like 5000), so I don't really believe her with this one... and I think it is even worse that (if it is true) she isn't just taking away her xhusband from his daughter, but she is robbing a child of a father... just horrible!

scott and I are going through something very similar, where the xwife/mother isn't cooperating during anything... and she thinks I should be happy that she is screwing her daughter out of having a father! I hate this...

my friend jenny on the other hand is great... going through a rough time, but is still willing for her soon to be xhusband to have a relationship with their kids... my hat is off to jenny, I wish more women were like her!

I hate this... she is the one that I almost appologized to about me going through something while she is going through something... I think she has a lot of her mother in her, her mother did something similar to her and her father, and it has affected them both... I wish she would learn from this and not let her personal history repeat itself... I wish she and a lot of other birthmothers that are bitter towards their xs would realize that the problems are between the adults and the child just needs to be loved by both parents... we are going to save all of the stuff we are getting from the courts, just file it away and when loren is old enough or asks we will show her what we did to be in her life...

5:21pm: well the semester is almost over and if I don't screw up I will be getting some good grades... and I don't think I am going to screw up... that reminds me I need to study for biology...

on the home front scott is going to mediation on dec 11, and they have a court date jan 2... after these happen I will give details of what happened... I am probably not going to go to the court date... although I want to, but we think scott will look better without his girlfriend there... and I understand that we have only been together for a year and a halfish, and even though I live there we aren't married... but as soon as I am his wife I will be at every court date there is... I am just glad I will be home and not in boone for these dates... when I was up here for the last one I was a basket case, and this time I can be a basket case at home, that means a lot more productive!

thanksgiving went great! both families seemed to really hit it off... we are going to thomasville this weekend to see his family again... when I was with josh I hated going and seeing his family all the time and never going together to see my parents... but I actually like scott's family a lot, so I don't mind if we don't see my family as often or if he comes with me everytime...

I know there are few to no people that actually look at this now... and I like it that way... I like myspace and all, but this one I can speak my mind about situations about different friends without them reading and assuming... just because I say something about what they are doing that I disagree with doesn't mean I don't like them, but some of my friends don't view anything that way...

scott is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me... we are more in love everyday and we only see eachother on weekends... and when I say this this time I mean it... I actually am able to talk about our relationship without having to explain his actions! I had a string of guys that didn't appreciate me and didn't care about me... scott is completely different... he is great! I have also met some great people through him! and I am getting more and more friends every weekend... my old friends (although I still call some of them friends) used to get upset at me when I would come home and wouldn't tell them personally... I didn't like that... I would put it on here and everybody would read it... but the people pleaser I was I just started emailing when I would be home and what I would be doing... well they were always too busy so this semester (after being home all summer and hardly seeing my "friends") I have decided that if they want to see me they have to seek me out... my new friends do that... there are still the friends that no matter what happens I know they are still there, but there are others that aren't... but that is life... and I don't mind all of this anymore... last semester I got really depressed about this... but now I have accepted this... and i have grown through this...

on a happier note!

I have 7 classes and three exams till the semester is over...

and I will probably be posting me end of semester email to friends and family on here too...

hope all are happy and well!

1:20am: I haven't updated this in a while and no body really reads this that would get offended by what I say so here I go!

we are haveing an ordeal with my boyfriends x wife, custody, and visitation... it is lots of fun let me tell you... they are telling lies left and right about a lot of things (no big surprise there they have no morals obviously! if they had any they wouldn't keep a little girl from her daddy!) anyway they have to go to mediation and I am not sure from there... it is just very stressful with me being 100 miles away during all of this and by the time we get to the mediation (where they may give temp orders) it would have been six months since we have seen her, and over a year and a half since scott has actually been able to spend time with his daughter without someone (the x mother in law) watching every move he makes... this is very sad, they wouldn't do this to a woman and that makes me mad...

I have a friend that is starting a divorce and she seems to be ignoring the fact that this is her child's father... she tells me that she isn't saying anything about this to her, and not coaxing her to one side or another... well she is... when the child asks why daddy doesn't love them anymore you don't say that you don't know... you tell the child that he still loves her, just not mommy anymore... how hard is that?! now the "husband" is also fucking up in this too, but she doesn't need to do anything on her part... just let him screw up...

I am surrounded by this right now... I worry about my situation and I am such a pushover that I call her back/answer the phone when she calls because she is upset... well I am upset too damnit... just I don't go to others... if I can't get through something by myself then I will pay a professional to help me through it... I spent too many years getting bad advice from my mother to even consider getting some from someone with out a degree in psychology with some experience in what I am going through... it is not that I mind when people come to me with their problems, hell that is what I am going to do with the rest of my life... I just hate feeling like I have to appologize when I am going through something and don't have the patience to deal with her shit...

everything else is fine... scott is doing great... he keeps busy to not think about what is going on with his daughter, although I know he thinks about her all the time... I know I am going to be going through this crap for pretty much the rest of my life, but they are completely worth it...

school is going great! about time to send out my 2nd semester of college email... I am getting a few As and some Bs... and I will gladly take that! it is amazing, I am paying a lot more to go to a university and making better grades then when I went to the comm college... and they do the 10 point scale here too, so the grades really were harder to get there... for next semester I got most of the classes that I wanted, I didn't get into one, but that is fine... I only need to take an average of 13 hours a semester, and this one I am taking 15 and next I am taking the same... I also don't have classes on fridays and mondays don't start till 4 pm so I can leave home on mondays during the day instead of late sunday night...

I am doing pretty well right now.. dispite everything I am pretty happy... I love the school up here but I hate everything else about it... I really hate not being home on weekends... I just like being a part of my household... that is my home, but I am here at this glorified hotel... I can't wait till may 2008 when I graduate and never have to move away from scott again...

well that is enough... now I am nice and riled up...

I hope all are well...

1:03am: I am so bored...
just did some realizing that someone I thought I knew I don't, and I don't really like what he has become...

I am doing pretty good... I miss my step daughter, but there isn't anything I can do about it...

I have decided where I want to go to grad school... NC State! they have a great program... they are everything I have been looking for... I just hope they want me as much as I want them!

scott and I are great... the distance gives us the chance to really talk (over the summer when I was living with him we saw eachother, but didn't really get to talk (seeing as he was working and I was at home... so there really wasn't anything new to talk about) we did get the house painted this summer though and it looks great! and now we have a new couch, chair, and ottoman... we will hopefully get my recliner from mom and dad's house soon (it may take a little bit, scott thinks he can get it in the car, but I think it would be better to put it in the back of dad's truck... but we don't have time to bother with it now anyway!) so the house is finally a home! and a great one at that! I love it there!

well that is enough... I hope all are as happy and well as I am!

11:12pm: so we had our anniversary last week and didn't get the chance to really celebrate it until last weekend... so I am telling you what I got! it is a necklace of peacock pearls... they are really pretty... I need to buy more clothes to wear with them... if I don't wear them I risk starving them of oils that they need... so for only the second time I have jewerly that someone actually thought of me for it... I am lucky to have such a wonderful man... I am happy with him...

right now I am a little stressed... I have some classes that the books weren't on the rental program so I have to buy books... and I don't have much money, so I am having to call in part of a debt to afford school and food right now... I am once again the luckiest girl ever cause scott is willing and able to help me out right now...

my school schedule isn't bad, there are some classes that there is going to be a lot of work in them, but they haven't gotten bad yet, when they do just stay out of my way...

I loved being home last weekend and I can't wait till I go back home! I have some serious thinking to do about school next year... it is my last year at school and I may do it at home... living with scott... that would be wonderful... I would be living there and paying the bills with him.. and I may be getting a new phone for that (splitting the phone bill too with the family plan from cingular would only make the bill about 10 more)...

11:36pm: it has been a long time for here... the house is almost done... we have one more room to finish before we are done... then I have to move back to boone for my education... but I have loved living with scott and I can't wait to do it again! and for the rest of my life...

there have been some crappy things happening too... it has almost been three weeks since we have seen loren... there has been excuse after excuse... his ex-wife has decided that she doesn't want loren to come over here anymore... but we aren't going to let her have that one... loren has a room here and it is done! and she is going to love it... and i think that is why she doesn't want loren over here anymore, because loren will see what she is missing... but once again we are not letting her win...

scott has been wonderful! he is so great... he was off work sunday night and decided that we were going to finsih loren's room! so we spent the night painting when he could have been resting... I don't know how I got this lucky... to have a man that will cup my face in his hands and kiss me so softly... will wake me up by kissing me and saying good morning beautiful... he is amazing.. of course he was awake the other night and decided that he was lonely, so he bribed me to get up with blueberry muffins... well that worked... so I got up and spent an hour with him till he got tired... but I still don't mind, he is wonderful... I feel so amazing with him... and even though we are having trouble with seeing his daughter he is sensitive to my feelings with it... for the first time when a man tells me it will be ok I don't feel like he is patronizing me, I believe that he will do everything in his power to make it okay... he is wonderful...

there isn't really anything else going on... I never got a job... but I am going to get a full timer when I get back to boone... I went to a couple of weddings this summer they were okay I guess one was a lot of fun, but the other I was stuck at the kiddie table... but I don't mind I still had a good time...

that is all...

3:58am: alright... so I know I hardly ever update this thing... so I decided to update it now... I am in greensboro for the summer... I love it here... but I am having trouble finding a job... my parents are mildly not happy about it... but I don't live with them so I don't really care...

this summer so far has been pretty nice... Scott and I have been painting the house and making it a real home... we are very happy with it... and I encourage all to come see it!!! the next room we are doing is the bedroom... maroonish with black trim... I don't know what it is going to look like or if I am even going to like it... but that is what scott wants... and I figure if I do it now in our relationship, I won't have to do it later... I can just say remember what happened last time?

I am going to two weddings this summer... my cousin and a family friend I haven't seen in a while... according to wedding ettiquet (if my mother wasn't in denial) scott should have been invited to both... yeah... even though I don't live in their house my parts of the invitations came to their house... I don't really mind that... but it would be nice if my mother would realize that I am an adult, and I am capable of RSVPing on my own...

My mother and I aren't really that happy with eachother right now... but I don't care all that much... I don't live with her... she doesn't call very much... and there isn't anything she can do... and my father and I haven't gotten along better... ever... he is just happy that I am out of the house and with someone he likes... someone that will take care of me...

Scott and I are doing great... he works a lot... but he is trying to save up enough money to get a better lawyer and hopefully get loren at least weekends... he has helped with this though.. I told him that I miss him... he works 7 days a week... most of the time it is two jobs... and when I told him that he said that he was thinking about getting sundays off of both jobs... that way he has one day that he can relax, spend time with me and his daughter, and run errands... it is kinda funny... my biological clock has started ticking, I know that is scary... but I found a way to hit the snooze button... plan the wedding! I told him this... and he laughed and said plan away... have fun with it... we both know that it is just a matter of time before we do that... so I am doing that... I know we aren't engaged... but a girl can dream...

Loren is growing so fast... but she is great! I every time I paint my toe or finger nails a different color she tells me the color and how beautiful it is... the latest was green and she was so mesmirised by it... she also has a cute little sense of humor too! he newest thing is asking if you will put her down so she can run away from you... she likes to do that... she likes the chase... and I like it when she comes to me and tells me to hide her... she jumps in my arms and hugs so tight it feels like she is trying to hide inside of me... I love it! and her!

well that is enough for tonight!

11:18pm: bored,,, yet funny stuff...
<td align="center" style="background: #FFFFFF; color: #000000;">Jillian Scheffer's Reason for Travelling Back in Time:

To be analyzed by Freud


Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

I always liked the perv!

2:23pm: wow I don't post here too often anymore... too busy with the end of the semester crap... well it (hopefully) is spring... the weather has brought the best in everybody! tigger came on the bus this morning and said hi to everybody (you think I am joking!)... a man was randomly meowing while passing people (again I am not joking) my super organized teacher forgot her copy of the study guide and sat on a desk and let us talk about it and it kinda turned into everyone just telling stories about different things that almost fit the material... we got a new lock... we can lock the door when we leave now... I am cleaning my room and getting ready for my mother to get here tomorrow... I want to skip (something other than school for a difference... and I am listening to american pie (song not movie)... I am in a great mood... I got the classes that I wanted!!! got out of class early!!! and all I really have left to do today is my dishes, laundry, go back on campus to take a survey and get 5 points extra credit for social psyc... (I might be able to get some for educational psyc too!) the weather is soooo pretty who wants to go hiking... I know I do!!!
well I am going to get back to this crap and finish enjoying the pretty day!!!
xxoo!!!

2:26am: enough with the freakin snow already... I am sick of it and want it to stop and the sun to come back out and for it to FINALLY get warm... I know I choose to go here Hanson... but snow in late march is nuts... it should be at least in the low 60s right now but it is freakin snowing... and I want to go home... I am going no matter what so tomorrow think of me as I drive in the snow for the first time in three years... the temp is supposed to be above freezing so I think I will just have wet roads... but the flakes are distracting... so think of me tomorrow... and no I didn't tell anyone that I was coming home this weekend, and I did that for a reason... my time is already full so it wouldn't have mattered even if (this would be a chance in hell for most of you out in that area) you were able/wanted to see me... so there... I am coming home and for a change I am too busy for you... how does that feel? well the more I do it the worse it will feel so remember that the next time i am going to be in town and let people know about it more than 14 hours before I am supposed to get there, and my time is not already booked... ggggrrrrr... I really need to go to bed... but I am not tired... so I think I will at least get a cup of water, and read for a little while hoping that I will become drowsey... keep fingers crossed...

5:06pm: I spoke with a female friend last night and she started talking about a wedding between me and Scott... there are several problems with this...
#1: we are not engaged... it may happen in the future... but it is not now
#2: she is assuming that she is going to be the matron of honor... but she is not the one that I want...
#3: she is talking about planning the bridal shower and bachlorette party... and what she is talking about is not what I want... a penis party would offend my mother and my brides maids... I would rather have a tea party or at least something that is classy
#4: we are not engaged
#5: we are not engaged
#6: we are not engaged
#7: it would be about three years in the future... so relax
#8: she suggested the "hitchin post" as the venue... hell no... never... I am a yankee and weddings are big deals where I am from...
#9: we are not engaged
#10: we are not engaged

I mean yes I have talked about it and am looking at some stuff now... but they are just thoughts... not actions yet... I have thought about bridesmaids and the maid of honor... and she is not the one that I want to be my right hand person... she is a great person and I want her help and input, but I want the maid of honor to be someone more detailed oriented for that position, and someone that knows me better and has known me longer, someone that is more emotionally stable... not this person... and I don't know how to tell her without ruining the friendship and without disappointing this person so much that she stops talking to me...

she is just not what I want for that position and I really don't think I should be bothering with this before the engagenment... ideas yes... planning no... person assuming that they are going to be something (yes I said she would be up there in with me, but nothing like what she is saying) no!!!

hell I really don't care about who is there other than our parents, his daughter, and us... but I don't want to bother with this crap... the person that I want for this is rachel... I have known her for 10 years, we have suffered through injurys, tears, and smiles together, I have wanted her for this part since her and I really became friends... she is detail oriented, and I know she will approach everything with thinking about everybody involved...

ggggrrrr
we aren't even engaged!!!

11:24am: happy first day of spring
it is cold and snowing... I miss the nice weather that I had over the break... I want it back... NOW!!!!!!!!!!

12:01am: something really weird happened to my back during break... I don't know how it happened and it has never happened before, but I want it to happen again... it started on friday... I was working in the garden and I got a wicked sunburn on my back... and it got worse on saturday, sunday, and monday... because I was so excited about being able to go outside and enjoy it for a change... but my burn hurt, then itched and now it feels fine... but it looks strange... usually it burns peels and truns white again.. but not this time... it burnt, then turned a brownish color... I think i got a tan on my back... that doesn't happen to this irish german girl... and I doubt it will last seeing as it is suppoesd to snow/rain tomorrow, and tuesday... I just hope for the sun to return soon... well I am sure that you are stimulated by my story about my back...

12:29pm: well I am home!!! and I love it here... the weather is wonderful and I have been out in it as much as possible (which explains the wicked sunburn on my back...) scott is amazing as usual... just wonderful... on saturday we went to my parents house and I did the fasfa... it sucked... their computer was created just after dirt and just before the rock... and I hate it... well there were several problems (I blame mother, like a good psyc major)I got so frustrated with the damn thing that I started crying at one point (good thing scott was there to make me laugh... well I am just glad that is over (well sorta... I got an email saying that i didn't sign it electronically and I don't have time to go back to my parents house to get my pin number so I am going to wait till I get back to boone, I have it written down there and I will use that...) my father took me back to scott's house saturday night (after telling that he was going to work on my car this week... thanks for letting me know... so I am going to be without a car for a few days... that is not a big deal... the thing that sucks is that he expects me to go back by their house on my break... well without my car on the days that I could go over there, and plans for the other days... I think they are sol... and should have told me about this sooner... and father should have had the parts already ordered so he could have had the car on monday and I could have gotten it back on tuesday) but owell from now on I am going to have to emailthem when I am comming home to see if there is going to be any srprises that have to do with my plans and them not necessary happening...
sunday was great!!! scott and I started the day working out in the yard... he fixed his skylight and I worked in the weed bed... then we went to see his daughter... she is wonderful... and scott scooped her up before she got to me... she was running to me i swear... but we had a great visit... she was all over both of us for the most part and was happy when I told her that I would see her next weekend (there is usually at least two weeks between when she sees me... but that was good... then we went to best buy so scott could get Black... great graphics and content... realistic... etc... and before he played it we worked on the house... we cleared the dining room and moped the hell out of it... took down all of the vents and spray painted them white and put them back up... and they look so much better... replaced the light switch cover in loren's room... and then his friend kyle came over and they played their game and visited with me... I liked it...
monday scott went to school and I worked in the yard... then scott came home and played his game while I read... I am almost finished with the gunslinger book... then he went back for another class and I cleaned the door and door jam in loren's room... then went to bed after reading a little more... now I am up and ready to start the day... after I wake scott up that is... in about 15 minutes... then I am going to work on loren's room and hopefully get most of that done today... then I am going to take a much needed shower and see jen...
wednesday is when dad will probably have my car... so I am going to be here doing something... and same with thursday... so friday I have to have my car back... I am supposed to go out with nikki giles and I kinda need the car for that (and dad know it...) so I am loosing my battery so I should go... bye

4:27pm: I am going home tomorrow!!! I am very happy about this!!! I am going to be home for a week this time... my family is sick, so my mother is going to come over to scott's house to do the FASFA... and I am not too happy about this... it has to be done soon so I can get financial aid for next semester... and I need scholarships this time and I know my advisor is going to start by asking about it like she did last time... so I am going to get it done and go see her and see if I can go to school for free from now on... that would be great... with everything wrong with me and the lack of people here with disabilities I should be fine... I am busy on tuesday night and friday night (17th), but the rest of my time is pretty open... I am going to clean the house, and start my garden!!! I am looking forward to this... and I get to see scott's friends that i like... and maybe the ones that I don't like... but I can get over that last one... and I get to see my loren!!! and my dog (once the family is better... I am really happy about going home this weekend... I will have to do a little homework... it was assigned on wednesday, and we get the materials on friday (so not only do I have to go to class, but I have to do homework during the break... I am going to try and get it done before I leave tomorrow... tori doesn't get out of class till 2 and there is no point in going to greensboro and then going back out to yadkinville... that would be a big waste of time and gas... so I am leaving around 11:30... stopping in wilksboro to shop a little then I should be in winston by 1... and I am going to go to the mall to see if one of my friends is working and if she is not then I am just going to go window shopping and kill time... hopefully tori will be out at 1:30 so I don't have too much time to kill... maybe I should go to starbucks in winston... that would be pretty nice! and i can bring in the computer and work on that homework there (if I can't finish it here)...

the roads are apparently being watched like a hawk right now so I am going to be driving like a very sane person on the way out of here.. I really don't want to start break with a ticket or two... and I am usually pretty good at faking sane...

well i need to go and finish doing laundry and all the other crap that I need to do before I go tomorrow!!!!

10:05pm: I am no longer 19!
Someone that I have recently been back in contact with me... this person has knew me when I was 19, in a bad relationship, and sick... well I am 22, in the best relationship ever, and am healthier than ever! But this person apparently thinks I am still 19 and stupid... I was not sure if I wanted to be back in contact with this person, and now I am thinking it may have been a mistake... even my mother is happy for me with the relationship between me and scott, but this person thinks (I guess) that it must be too good to be true... well let me tell you it is not... we have had a few little problems (nothing major, but it is not all perfect... that lets me know that he is real and not just trying to be what i want)... but I am happy with him and loren, and this is different... just because I am younger than this person, doesn't mean that I am not going to grow and mature as an individual... and just because they weren't there to witness it doesn't mean that it didn't happen... and just because when they were engaged that it didn't work out doesn't mean that it is going to happen with me (and mind you when her and the guy had been together this long 6months they were engaged, I am being smart about this... not jumping into anything that big any time soon)... so as scott says... get off my nuts!

11:55pm: I didn't mean to...
no I didn't do anything stupid... I dyed my hair... and it looks good... it is just that after i did it I realized that my hair and loren's hair is the same color! I guess we will start to look alike after all... I am so excited about going home and seeing my little girl!!! and my dog!!! and of course my scott, he really is the best thing that ever happened to me... he calls me every day at least once and really lets me know that no matter how far apart we may be he still loves me, and needs me... I couldn't ask for anything more... I never want anyone else... it would be nice to live with him again, but I know that it will happen... I just have to go to school and get my degree then we can be together physically too! it is worth it... who says you can't have it all? I can have loren, scott, and a degree!!!
xxoo!!!

9:07pm: I find it interesting that my room mates are wanting to go somewhere during break... not me... I have been places on spring break and it is a big let down... they are not satisfied just going home for the week... I am not only satisfied with going home, but am looking forward to it... I even know what I am going to do those days that i am home... I am very domisticated now and am looking forward to going home and getting loren's room together, cleaning the livingroom and scott's room, starting work on the front gardens at the house... I not only want to do this, but am looking forward to it... I guess going to the beach in november makes me not want to go there again just yet... and i wouldn't want to go anywhere away from scott and loren when I could be there... I know I have it bad... but i have never felt this before and I like it... I love it... I can't wait to be out of school and live there with them...
tomorrow is friday and I have an 8am class where we are going to the library again to try and work on the research in the new library... I just hope that the person that is supposed to help us is there this time... then I have to go to math lab... then I am free for the weekend... what am I going to do for it??? I am going to get all homework done for the week and get everything done so I don't have to do much homework during spring break... I know that I have two tests the week following the break so I am going to make studying at home as easy as possible... have everything read, and notes so I can look at it everyday and just keep myself up on the information... I know how fun!!! such a great weekend... but I know that if I dont' do this now then I will not get done what I want to do during break...
well I am out of stuff to say so I am going to do something else!
good night everybody!

10:54pm: I finished reading harry potter and the half blood prince this afternoon and I have been thinking about it ever since... I want more! the book didn't end like the others, the others left me excited to start on the next book, but this one if I could have picked up the next book I would have not slept till I finished it! I am not going to give anything away about it (I hate it when people do that to me, so I am not going to do it to anyone...) the next book comes out around may 2007, the 5th movie should be out at about that time too, and the 4th movie is out tuesday!!!
next I am going to read the dark tower series, I only hope that stephen king doesn't drag on and on getting to the point with these like he does with some of his books... I will give them a try... we will see..
I am going to be in town for a whole week soon! spring break is starting on march 10th as soon as I get out of my classes that day... as promised you will all get an email about me being in town if you like it or not...
well I am bored and I am out of stuff to say so I am going to end this for today!
good night all and have a good tomorrow!
xxoo
jillian

9:22pm: the weekend was great... much needed!
what is new:
I am now aunt jill (according to scott's step father directed towards his neice Anna)
I am going to be home for spring break march 10th-19th... so make your plans with me now
scott is the best boyfriend ever (that is not new, just needs to be said)
Loren missed me! could tell by the fact that she would not let me go... I didn't mind
my problem was homesickness... i am doing much better now

scott and I have officially been together now for 6 months... and we are stronger than ever...

well there is not much to this post so i bid you good night...

8:09pm: now i have something new to rant about!!! Yay... I am so fucking excited about it... I am over what was wrong with me the other day... the week starts soon so I will be distracted till I get home on saturday!!!... well this time when I go home I get to see some of my friends!!! I am seeing Hanson (if he still wants me to stop by sagebrush saturday morning) and Jen!!! and of course scott, loren, and the dog (and the rest of the family)...
now for my new rant... steve... again...
I am bored a lot around here so I dick around online a lot... and I was going through myspace and ran across steves acct... well... when I saw it I realized that I haven't heard from him since the day before I left for school... so I called him... then I read... then I commented... then I sent an email just incase he meant what he said on his myspace about "fuck her" refering to me... that way I can let him know how I felt when I read that... I feel worse now then I dida few days ago... just for a different reason.., then I thought that my friends abandoned me... and now I know that I was right... I really wasn't refering to the people on here... I hear from you guys a lot... it was directed toward others... steve being one of them... this really sucks...

12:10am: wow... I feel like crap... I physically feel better, but I am extremly homesick... I miss scott and loren, the dog and my friends... even though you all think that I don't have time for you when I come home that is totally wrong... I tell all of you that I am coming home and from there it is up to you to call me and make plans to get together... right now I feel like you all are thinking out of sight out of mind... and if you are thinking that then fuck you... and I mean that... with every fiber of my being i mean that... I am feeling really low right now and my so called friends are gone and I don't like it... I want to get out of here and do something, but the weather is going to be crap tomorrow, so I am stuck here... and I don't know anybody up here (other than my room mates and they are great! thank god... I don't know what I would do if we didn't get along...)... I just feel very lonely right now... I looked up what to do when you are homesick and the ones that I can do I have done and the one that I really want to do (get out of the apt and do something I can't)... I found a paved trail that sounded like fun and it is close to here, but there is supposed to be 3 inches of snow and ice so I am not going to be able to get out... I am out of homework to do... and I guess that I will get ahead of the classes and finish next weeks while I sit here alone and bored... I can't wait to go home next weekend... scott has a lot of school work that needs to be done this weekend otherwise I would be home now... scott, tori, and eugene are keeping me sane... I hear from them regularly, that makes me feel so much better... scott is wonderful, he is just great with all of this, I miss him so much, but we both know this is what is needed... I know that I will look back on this time of my life and love it... I am glad that I didn't go to uncg and stay in famiiar territory... that feeling would be worse than this feeling of homesickness...when i say that I want to go home I definitely mean for a visit... I do love it up here, I just wish that being this far away was easier, scott told me that it will, but right now it is hard to believe him... i am going to do back when I was sick and unhappy, sleep, that is the only time that i feel happy when I am feeling like this...
and I don't want a parade of ims and calls, I know the intentions are for good... but they won't help me right now... I will get over this on my own time and anyone telling me to snap out of is will just make things worse... and if you are worried about me just email me... that is the best way to communicate with me when I am like this... and probably by the time that I get it I will be better... and if all else fails... wine makes everything better...
xxoo

6:13pm: i just saw eugene!!! webcams are great!!! that is all...